Forgiveness

So, today I got busy with the business of forgiveness.  Actually, the instructions arrived in the mail. Sent to me by a beautiful woman I met a few months ago who was insightful enough to see that where I hold on is where I am not letting go. 

I realize that I cannot forgive parts of you and cling to my resentments towards other parts of you.  I realize that my own inability to forgive myself is actually cloaked in my resentments toward you.  I actually tried to set you free some weeks ago.  You see, if I imagine forgiving myself, there is no more shame or guilt that makes it necessary to leverage my self worth off of your choices and actions that hurt me so much. It no longer serves my me to diguise my lack of self forgiveness as your shortcomings.   It says all I need is willingness.  Well, I am willing to be free, therefore I am willing to forgive you and myself.  I MUST be free.   I can taste the freedom.  I can sense the transformation taking place within me.  It’s a spiritual re-birth that is often very painful and very uncomfortable.  I cry alot. I don’t recognize my world anymore.  I cling to mantras that keep me on course.  It’s very hard work, but I want to live. Really live…in the present, not in my memories.  And so Jesus said: “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.  This wasn’t meant for religious doctrines, this was meant to set us free with the understanding that, in reality,we are one. It’s about the ‘word” not the church.  I must forgive you if I want to forgive myself. But I must extract myself from your equation to be clear about me.   Sure I’m pretty, kind and smart,  but I’m a survivor; and I’ve mastered the art of believing the lie that I am damaged.  And so in the words of Emmett Fox,  the method is( if he doesn’t mind me sharing: “I fully and freely forgive him. I loose him and let him go. I completely forgive the whole business in question. As far as I’m concerned, it is finished forever.  I cast the burden of resentment upon the Christ within me. He is free now, I am free too.  I wish him well in every phase of his life. That incident is finished.  The Christ truth has set us both free.  I thank God”.  Now I’ll go about  my business of my life, and I rest.  And so it is.

I am Divinity

I love myself so much that when someone leaves my life I know I’m ok.   I know I have loved well.  I am a Godess, I am beautiful, and I gave you my best.  I know how to protect myself unequivicallly, instintively; because I value my life.  I know how to say “no”.  I am willing to betray you in order to be true to myself.  My heart is filled with peace and joy. I love my time alone.  I wake up excited for what the day brings.  I enjoy my studies, language, violin, spirituality, yoga. I eat simply and organically.  I invite friends into my home and cook for them. I travel, I love latin America and spend time there alone or with others.  Somday I will live there.  I do what I’ve onlyl dreamt of doing.  I reach out to make new friends with people whom I value and respect. I let these people into my life freely and without fear. I find comfort in the company of women.  I welcome in my sensuality, my sexuality, and the beauty of my age, wisdom, and life experience.  I walk with my head up, and my light shines. I don’t have to hide the things I’ve collected during my travels just because they remind me of you and of happy times. They are a part of my life experience. I’m not afraid to speak my mind even if it makes you angry.I know I have stayed in my integrity and I uphold myself with this certainty and knowledge. I let you live and let you make your choices.  I do not take it personally.  I look forward to new, healthy, beautiful love from another.  I love again.  I look back, not with shame or guilt; but with gratitude for my experiences, painful or not.  I love the people who have touched my life and thank them for the lessons.  I realize that other people have their character defects… Perhaps they are sick. I do not take it on as my own.  I know my anger. It does not scare me. I know how to express it well.   I love my family. I have healed past hurts and love them for who they are.   I can talk to them without experiencing trauma from the past. I have made amends to them and we are healed and united by our love for each other.  I surrender my path. I know God protects me.  I learn Sanskrit and feel the power of the words. I feel them.  I feel the power of the words in the bible and I know they mean me too, for I am not forsaken.   I know how to meditate, to sit still without having to do something, anything.  I bring good smells into my home.  My home reflects me. I have my own style and and express it well.  I do not question this.  I love rituals. I find joy in rituals… bubble baths, prayer, mediation.  I listen to music even if it reminds me of you. I love music and dance wildly in my living room.  I sing out loud…. in my car, at home, in the shower, even if I sing out of key.  I am active in my sobriety. I belong to a community, and I give back with my time. I am free of judgment and intolerance, but I am not a saint. I swear like a longshoreman sometimes, but I am eloquent and soft spoken.  I am free. I surrender daily.  I am all of  these things and I am joyous. It’s what grounds me.  I feel empathy.  I do not question myself except when I know I’m straying off my path.  I stay open, honest and willilng, always willing. I am acceptance.  I am a child of God, loved, redeemed and called by name.  I am not afraid.

Emotionalism vs Spirituality

Emotionalism: n 1 the tendency to to show emotion quickly and easily 2 display of emotion 3 and appeal to emotion esp. to sway an audience to some belief

Spiritualism n ….2  the philisophical doctrine that all reality is in essence spiritual; idealism

Damn!   I always get these confused!  Green onions you have no power over me!!!

I let you go in shivasana Part I

Damn.. So I’m moving through my poses reflecting on Ponder’s writings..You know “receive” “release” “prophecies”, “eliminating all that no longer serves me”… going through my mantras while struggling to maintain warrior 3 pose.  All the while I should be ignoring the chatter in my head that keeps me off balance.  You know I’ve been trying to release you for months. But there you are, stuck to me like fly paper! Then I go into Yosarian mode.. you know,  Catch 22? , and I start thinking:  If I let you go does that mean “nothing is too good to be true”?nothing is too good to happen”?,  and nothing is too good to last”?.  Can I manifest the very best in my life and… well, I think I know the answer to this question… Still, I find myself using the “Word”… casually uttering my desires,  mentally casting my desires out there, deliberatley casting them out.  So I took a risk and, while in shivansana, I opened my hands towards the sky, felt cosmic energy that brought tears to my eyes and said “I bless you and release you in peace”. As I walked out the door to the yoga studio I said “Goodbye X”. (I thought you would like that place) Then promptly got into my car and began to bend my mind around the cycles of just how to have my cake and eat it, too.   Jeez, this thing is tough!  All of the times I invited your soul to meet mine so we could have closure and untie the chord from our hearts that keep us connected, I cried with peace and relief. Then you came back.  I asked spirit to do the work for me, (since I’m obviously too invested here), and I cried with peace and relief.  But here you are again……….My manifester is not working on all cylinders obviously.  Maybe you’re keeping me stuck to you.  So I have request…either get back here or let me go.  Yeah, I’m scared..(that was supposed to be eliminated with all the other things no longer useful in my life). Still feels like my right arm is being ripped from my body.  Maybe Spirit will send me a prince to kiss, (just a make-out session) to break your spell.

Knock from your perfect soul place if you can hear me.

The Violin

We dreamt about each other for months.   Today I met her.  A raggedy rental, but none the less beautiful in my eyes.  I wanted to immediately take her out, here her cry and softly polish her.  No, she’s not mine really, but I think were going to like our new  journey together.  She cries, I cry. What more can I ask from her but to sooth my sadness with her silky sounds.   I look forward to getting to know her better.  I look forward to letting her get to know me.

Butterfly Kisses

I held the side of your face in my left hand and stroked your cheek and hair with  my right.  I pressed my lips against your’s and  left my tear on your cheek.  I brushed your eyelids with butterfly kisses.  As my arms reached towards the heavens my butterfly wings opened up and cast rich, blue and pink light across your body.  I saw the angels dance around your head like gold dust.  I blessed you and released you with a sadness that had a sweet, sweet tone; so rich with pure love. The kind that asks for nothing, it simply is.  Then I decided to learn to play the violin.

The last house..

So this is my second journey spawaned from the agony of loss.  I find myself once again searching for the “Divine” as well as the “Truth”.   Just as it was about a decade or so ago when I began my first journey, once again there is no reply from the infinate powers professed to heal, redeem and deliver.  Where, then, shall I turn when the last house on the block is vacant again.  I’ve lost my greatest love this time.  My best friend is gone and the vacant hole on my right side stings with phantom pain.  I have prayed from the very depth of my soul, from every cell, to be restored, either single or with my beloved…..neither petition for restoration has been met with the slightest of replies. And, believe me, I’ve tried them all.  Metaphysics (my power to manifest is impotent), Chritianity (my faith in the word has always been of a small child wanting my holy father to protect), Budhism (I have suspended judgment and  accepted that life is suffering), and the 12 steps (yeah, I’m one) where the promise is a new freedom and new happiness….And I did the work diligently with all my sincere effort, blood was spilled in the processes.  Still nothing…………..Did I do it wrong?  Was it all a lie?  Is there something distasteful that God finds about me?  Or…….with no energy left to try to change my perceptions as the “Course” would have me do, as well as such authors like Emmet Fox; am I the only person on the planet that “doesn’t get it”.  Depression, hopelessness and a wish for a speedy end lie before me.  X, te quiero mucho siempre.

Mr. Potato Head

 

 

 

Mr. Potato Head crept i

nto my mind today.  I remembered he’s buried in a vinyl crypt along with a host of things no longer useful to me.  I feel sorry for him. He never did me any harm, and his smile and festive outfits bring me joy.  When the sadness passes I will resurect him.  Sorry Mr. Potato Head, the devil made me do it.

Ambivilence

Ambivilence: n. Simultaneous, confliction feelings toward a person or thing.

Ya gotta love/hate that!

Let’s talk toe rings………………..

Winnie The Pooh

Oh! I forgot to mention Winnie!. 
Winnie had a more favorable outcome when his family broke up.  He was usurped into foster care by a “wiser than her years” 14 year old, ganlgey girl with braces and hip style.  He was stripped of his long, funky, striped socks upon entering his new home.  So there he sleeps surrounded by at least ten  pillows and host of stuffed friends.   The fate of the socks remains unknown.  But hey Winnie! don’t worry.  When Potato is resurrected I will bring you home and we will all eat bright, red, juicy cherries!!!  I miss you