The last house..

So this is my second journey spawaned from the agony of loss.  I find myself once again searching for the “Divine” as well as the “Truth”.   Just as it was about a decade or so ago when I began my first journey, once again there is no reply from the infinate powers professed to heal, redeem and deliver.  Where, then, shall I turn when the last house on the block is vacant again.  I’ve lost my greatest love this time.  My best friend is gone and the vacant hole on my right side stings with phantom pain.  I have prayed from the very depth of my soul, from every cell, to be restored, either single or with my beloved…..neither petition for restoration has been met with the slightest of replies. And, believe me, I’ve tried them all.  Metaphysics (my power to manifest is impotent), Chritianity (my faith in the word has always been of a small child wanting my holy father to protect), Budhism (I have suspended judgment and  accepted that life is suffering), and the 12 steps (yeah, I’m one) where the promise is a new freedom and new happiness….And I did the work diligently with all my sincere effort, blood was spilled in the processes.  Still nothing…………..Did I do it wrong?  Was it all a lie?  Is there something distasteful that God finds about me?  Or…….with no energy left to try to change my perceptions as the “Course” would have me do, as well as such authors like Emmet Fox; am I the only person on the planet that “doesn’t get it”.  Depression, hopelessness and a wish for a speedy end lie before me.  X, te quiero mucho siempre.